Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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