I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
