You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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