so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
