You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
