I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I just blew my weed a kiss
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
