I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
