go do what you do best...puke behind churches
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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