I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize