my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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