OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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