I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
