fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
