my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
