The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
