Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
