Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
