Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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