I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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