Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
