So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
