i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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