i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
