you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
