wakey wakey hands off snakey
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
