I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
