just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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