I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
