I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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