when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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