Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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