Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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