i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
