Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
