Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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