I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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