Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
