I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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