he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
