shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
