Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
