I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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