Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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