Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
