seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
