Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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