Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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