Already got asked if we're dating
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
