dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
did i just pee glitter
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
