I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
