I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
