I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
