She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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