I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
this will be a night to untag.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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