Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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