I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
love makes seman taste better
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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