I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
