I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
