cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
