We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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