i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
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