My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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