I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
