when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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