every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
