I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
