apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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