There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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