Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
